And Then There Were 3!

"I'm having a baby!" often elicits feelings of excitement and joy in the expecting parent(s), family, and friends.  What about the mother who has a different kind of reaction to the news - for example - fear, anxiety, and helplessness.  Who is this demanding stranger with whom I am supposed to fall immediately in love?

Much has been written about Post Partum adjustment.

• 80% of new mothers experience Baby Blues, a condition where feelings of sadness, exhaustion, and overwhelm are present during the first few days after the baby's birth.  These feelings are brief and disappear on their own with out any intervention.
• 10% of new mothers experience Post Partum Depression, a condition that does not go away on its own.  Post Partum Depression can be dominated by feelings including sadness, anger, guilt, over concern or no feelings for the baby, feelings of inadequacy, and excessive worry.  A combination of therapy and medication is often prescribed.
• What about those women who do not fit into those categories?  What about mothers who continue to struggle in their new role as mothers.  As stated in the beginning, many people associate having a baby with excitement and joy.  There are also common anxieties associated with having a new baby that many women feel uncomfortable expressing - What if I do not know how to be a good mother?  What if I do not feel excitement about having a baby?  What if I do not feel love for my baby? What will happen to my marriage and role as wife?  What about my independence?  Once the baby is born, a whole new set of feelings can arise associated with having a completely helpless and dependent being relying on the mother to know what to do.

In the "baby makes 3" cliche, who are the three?  The traditional answer is mother, father, and baby.  But perhaps there is more to it.  The relationship that is often overlooked is the relationship the mother has with herself.  Sometimes, it can be hard for the mother to be able to distinguish the boundary between herself and her child, especially in the beginning when the baby is completely dependent on the mother and requires the mother to be in constant physical proximity to her baby.  When the baby cries, the mother not only is confronted with the real situation of having to soothe her baby, but also can be confronted with her own internal situation where she experiences herself as the crying baby and must deal with both.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

What can be done?

• Be honest with yourself regarding the difficult (socially less acceptable) feelings you have about mothering and know that your feelings are not unique
• Seeking out Individual psychotherapy as well joining new mother's support groups can be helpful places to process your feelings so that you can embrace motherhood and all the joys and sorrows that go along with it.  

But I Love Him!

Any woman who has been out with her friends has undoubtedly heard this angst-filled declaration immediately following a tear-filled dramatic story.  This story ranges from - he's just not sure where this relationship is going (after 7 years!?) to actual abuse.  Everyone hearing the tale of woe is presumably thinking the same thing - "what the hell is she thinking; why doesn't she just leave him; she could do much better!"  Easier said than done. while it might seem so obvious to the outsider, the person in the relationship is compelled to stay.  

Why?

• Fear of being alone
• Fear of the unknown
• Familiarity
• Heart over mind

Is there a way out?

Through psychotherapy, one can bridge the gap between heart and mind and begin to develop a healthy relationship with oneself which is a crucial step in building healthy relationships with others.